Thursday, 15 October 2015

Daily Dose of Stupid: The Automatic Fan

In my bathroom, in the top left corner of my shower, there is a small black hole in the wall. It's about a foot long, it's maybe six feet high up, and was no doubt designed by Satan himself.

It's mid October now, and it's getting cold outside. My apartment's heat isn't working, and apparently neither does the concept of "indoors". Every morning I wake up to the buzzing of my alarm and one step closer to hypothermia. For about ten minutes before I get up, I lie in bed shivering under the blankets, trying to convince myself that anything is worth facing that stinging chill. Yet somehow everyday my brain defrosts and I roll out of bed and towards the bathroom.

Somehow, if it were even possible, it is colder inside the bathroom. Maybe it's not as well insulated. Maybe it's closer to the outside of the apartment. Maybe I just imagine that it's colder, because my frigid, frozen heart can't stand the sight of that automatic fan. I despise that malicious mechanical monster that lives in my home.

But still everyday, every morning, I turn the metal knob on my shower almost all the way towards the H. Getting it to that perfect hot temperature. In that moment, I am free. My bleak, bitter feelings are washed away, and replaced with a blast of warm tropical ecstasy. The cold is gone, and time seems to stop as the steaming water washes away life's problems. If heaven is real, it exists at 6:54 on weekday mornings. But like any moment of happiness in this godless world, it wasn't meant to last.

WHIZZZZZZZZZZZ

The last sound I hear before my entire world comes crashing down around me, and everything I once loved turns to a frozen hellish nightmare. It comes without warning, sucking the joy out of the room and taunting me with it's sickening wailing.

WHIZZZZZZZZZZZ

Have I mentioned I don't like this automatic fan? It's design is really stupid. Basically it has a built in tool that measures humidity in the air. Once it reaches a certain point, it turns on the fan and cycles in fresh air. The thing is, it only works when it shouldn't. When it's cold, humidity isn't a problem. Not only does it fail at the one thing a fan should do, but it manages to ruin the entire process of showering.

Automatic fan? Pretty stupid.

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